But I'm not.
I'm just a really good liar.
It's easy enough to tell people "I'm good" when they ask how I'm doing or add an exclamation point or smiley face at the end of a sentence when I'm on Facebook, but truthfully, I'm not ok.
About a week ago, I went to my doctor for a pre-scheduled follow up appointment, and she asked, "How have you been doing?"
"Fine," I responded, half-hearted.
She just looked at me.
"How have you really been doing?" she asked again, looking at me more inquisitively.
I had been holding onto so tightly to everything that had happened this year, coupled with recent stress, but I had been pretending as if it had no affect on me. I hadn't even admitted to myself how much I was actually struggling. Struggling with insomnia, guilt, self-hatred, hopelessness, and stress.
After listening intently, she mentioned a term that still rings in my ears: "rapid-cycling manic depression".
I heard the words but it didn't register. Impossible, I thought to myself. What do I have to be depressed about? But I knew better than to think that.
It would be easy to explain the reasons why she came to this conclusion, but it sounds exhausting to even explain right now and frankly, it's embarrassing.
It's embarrassing to admit to my own husband that I do actually need an anti-depressant, because we live the same life and he doesn't have this issue. It's embarrassing to make excuses to my boss that the kids are causing me to run late, when really I'm having trouble even functioning. And it's embarrassing having to admit to friends and family that come into our home that the reason it's always so messy is not because I'm too busy to clean, it's that some days I'm too depressed to even get out of bed.
Despite the reasons that seem to justify needing to be on an SSRI, my glimmer of solitude is home & family. I love my husband and I love my children; they make me smile it the smallest of ways, even when I want to crawl into a hole and never come out.
You make me happy when skies are grey.
The skies are grey, and they're getting darker. It seems that the periods between each storm is getting fewer and fewer.
I've been taking this medication for a week now, and supposedly it takes 2-3 weeks to "kick-in". Right now, that feels like an eternity.